I Breed Prizewinning Clams

http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/%7Esusan/joke/essay.htm

This link is from The Black Table via Gawker and prior to that swirled about the Internet like that plastic bag in American Beauty. So by this point I assume I'm the only person who hadn't read it. It's a mock college admissions essay that easily bests whatever I wrote.

I don't remember anything about my essay except that it asked me to include something personal. I attached a coaster from a beer garden in Munich. Hey, I was an impressionable 16-year-old youth from Phoenix. That month in Europe with my Mom meant something to me. I

(1) saw (didn't read, just saw) my first male nudie mag in Paris,
(2) on the way to the Vatican nearly got pickpocketed by dirty gypsy kids who diverted your attention by kissing their hands and then pressing those hands all over your body,
(3) passed through Checkpoint Charlie for a daytrip to East Berlin, and
(4) in London tried unsuccessfully to get my Mom to buy tickets for "No Sex, Please, We're British!" which I thought was the FUNNIEST TITLE EVER.

As an added bonus, you also get TWO (count 'em), TWO gratuitous Whitney Houston jokes:

when his swinging stops your singing...
giving back